Who’s who on Olympus

23 Jul

Bacchus. — Silenus Jupiter, named after his father, Jupiter, and Colonel Silenus, head-master of the Silenus Academy of Bibulousness, where he was educated. Head of the Olympian Whisky Trust, and inventor of the Manhattan, Martini and other cocktails. Original ancestor of the Widow Cliquot, Sherry Flip, Esq., and the famous warrior, General Booze, son of Jupiter by Semele, Affinity No. 19,786, Series J4, A. J. 23. Head bartender Waldorf-Olympia Hotels Company, and general manager the Imperial Orgies for many years. Best mixer in Olympian society, and much sought after by leading families of Parnassus. Founder and grandmaster the Alcohol League and the Anti-Say-Whenners of Helicon. Strong advocate of Considerable as opposed to High License; knew no such word as “enough” and strenuously opposed its use at after-dinner festivities. Established Home for Bacchantes, a refuge for indigent and retired Nymphs, out of gratitude for their care of him during his infancy at Naxos, where he was born, his mother having been accidentally hit by a thunderbolt thrown by Juno at his birthday party. Invented the Demijohn as a substitute for the demigod as a receptacle for liquour, having discovered that the capacity of the latter was comparatively limited. Proprietor of The Olympian Mountain Dew Distilleries, The Independent Fizz-Water Springs of Helicon, and the Cimmerian Mal Foundries of Hades. Inventor of the Ivy Hat, a style of headgear at once easy, well-ventilated and soothing to fevered brows. Recreations: High-Ball, Tight-Rope Walking and Cracking Ice. Author of Much Misery, The Jags of Jupiter, Bacchantes I have Backed, and The Gods in Liquidation, Address, in care The Day and Night Bank, Family Entrance, Vineyardhaven, Bezinehurst-by-the-Sea, Ambrosia.

— John Kendrick Bangs, “Who’s Who on Olympus”, Life, vol. 54 (July – December 1909), p. 26.

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